Wednesday, November 3, 2010
The Lord Gives And The Lord Takes Away
"The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord."
Once again I find myself saying these words. I have said these words as we lost our daughter Chloe in the first hour of her life. I have said these again as I lost our son Nathaniel when he was delivered stillborn. I said these words as I cried over a miscarriage between Nathaniel and our now four year old son. And once again I find myself saying these words here and now as I mourn over another miscarriage. But do I really mean them as Job did? Do I expect to receive only good things from my God and never anything difficult or painful, or even what seems in my finite mind to be unjust? If I claim to serve a God who creates all things, is All Powerful, All Knowing, and All Loving then I must be willing to say that I WILL see things given me or taken away from me by My Heavenly Father. So, yes, Blessed is His Name.
As I thought about writing or not writing this post I struggled with the transparency that would be required, the honest and even painful things that I might write; but yet if I serve a God who is so real and near to me, then how can I not share that with others? So I share with you my heart and the journey that Jesus has taken me through in the past eight weeks.
In the beginning of September I went in for a routine ultrasound. Everything looked normal that day, but it simply appeared that what was seen on the scan was not as far developed as the Doctor had estimated. No one was surprised by that, and they simply scheduled me for another scan the following week.
I returned the following week for my second scan. Now having been through five pregnancies before and being considered high risk after the first one, I have had a lot of ultrasounds often a dozen per pregnancy or more. So when I saw the second scan on the screen I knew that something was not normal. The tech wasn't allowed to tell me anything, but I could see that the gestational sac that the fetus should rest in was empty. They bundled me off to the next examining room and told me to wait for the doctor to talk with me. I sat in chair wrestling with my emotions and silently praying that whatever the Lord had planned for this pregnancy that He would give me the strength to endure. The doctor came in and confirmed what I could see, there was no fetus just an empty sac. He then told me that I could wait and allow my body to go its natural course, which could take up to a month.
So I left the doctors office heart broken and called my husband to share the news. We cried and prayed together in the parking lot. I went home needing to get before the Lord. I lay on the floor of my bedroom and cried out to God. Now I serve a God who I am not afraid to tell every emotion to. He is not too small to hear my anger or my frustrations or my tears declaring Him unfair. And that is what I did I cried out to Him and told Him everything that was on my heart. And He showed me in His Word a verse to hang on to that day and filled me with His peace that passes all understanding.
Now the thing is that in some ways if I had miscarried that week life would have been so much simpler; but instead I remained pregnant for another six weeks. I remained incredibly nauseated, where medication could give no relief. And I still had three children to take care of and a house to run. Not to mention homeschooling.
All that time my husband and I prayed and asked God to intervene. We asked Him to place life where there was seen to be no life. And each new ultrasound I went in believing that God could do it and that I would see it with my eyes. But each time there was still nothing but an empty sac. But yet each week God spoke to my heart and gave me peace, He led me to scripture that reminded me of His promises to me, and He taught me of His love and faithfulness. Each night I would struggle to hold on to His peace and often found myself back on my knees crying out to Him for strength and peace. And each time I cried to Him, He was quick to come to me and wrap me in His love and His peace and remind me that I could trust Him.
So in the end after six weeks I went into labor for miscarriage and went through the most excruciating pain of my life. I ended up in the ER, after I couldn't stop bleeding and bled non-stop for over an hour. I came home the next day from the hospital and faced complete bed rest and a long recovery from such extensive blood loss.
And you ask me, why would you believe in a God who didn't give you the answer to your prayers and still call Him good and bless His Name?
I would tell you, it is because I serve a God who sees the whole picture. He tells me that He wrote down every moment of my life in His book before I was even born (Psalm 139). He is a God who is always just, always good, always loving, all powerful, and Holy. He sees something in all this that I can't right now. But I can say this, His word says these things to me:
"Everything comes from God alone. Everything lives by His power, everything is for His glory. To Him be glory forevermore." (Romans 11:36) and "His loved ones are very precious to Him and He does not lightly let them die." (Psalm 116:15. And if He says these things to me in His word, then I can trust that He chose to withhold life or even take life because He loves me and those that will be affected by that choice of His. So then I must say, if that is so, then I can say just as in 2 Timothy 2:10 "I am more willing to suffer if that will bring salvation and eternal glory in Christ to Jesus to those God has chosen."
So where is the victory here? The victory will be in the eternal. I may not see or understand why in this life, but I will see all things clearly when I am with Him in eternity.
So I write this all for this one purpose, I only hope that my life and what I experience will be a testimony to the Real and Living God whom I serve. It is not by any strength that I have in myself that I could have endured all of the heartache and loss that I have and not ended up in deep depression or even suicidal. I have come out from each of these losses a victor because of the work that Christ does in me and strength that He gives me by His Holy Spirit.
I serve a God who understands my heart ache and He doesn't begrudge me when I yell at Him and tell Him He is unfair and that I'm angry and don't understand. But He also shows me that He is always fair and that I will understand one day. But for now that all I need is to be enfolded in His Presence and His love and that all that happens to me is because He loves me and every other person on this planet. And that what He allows to happen to me that is painful is to refine me into the image of Christ and to give Him glory and draw others to Him through His work in me.
I will end with this. This is not the end of the story. I will see each of my children again and I have the assurance of joy eternal with my God at the end of my life. Because He loved me enough to come as a man (Jesus) and die for my sins and all the sins of mankind on a cross so that I could be with Him for eternity and walk forgiven. If you don't have that assurance and you want to meet the Mighty God that I serve. Simply ask Him to show Himself to you. (He promises that He will if you seek Him earnestly). If you want to know more or have questions I would love to talk with you about Him. And if you seek Him you will find, just as I have, a God who is more than able to see you through every moment of your life and give you a peace in the midst of the most difficult circumstances and you will be able to say as I can this day- "The Lord gives and the Lord takes away BLESSED BE THE NAME OF THE LORD!!!!"